Well, now that my court proceedings are over and I've been sentenced, I can share the story with everyone about my most recent arrest. Hilarity Ensues.

On June 17, 2007 Me and two of my friends went to go hang out with a couple of new girls we met in Garden City. Girl has a hot tub and invites us over to hang out/drink some beer. Me and the two friends split a 30 case and go through it in what I'd call a blink of an eye. Someone says they're hungry and suggest walking down the street to the 7-11. Everyone BUT me gets their normal day to day clothes... I keep it real with my board shorts and bare feet.

We walk up to the 7-11 and one of my buddys starts saying "Dude you should totally run through there naked it'd be fucking awesome." I decide I'm going to one-up his challenge. I walk into the store, shirtless, and mosey around a bit as I build up the nerve to pull off quite possibly the most outrageous, irresponsible, and horrifying stunt I've ever dreamed up.

After looking up and down the aisles for a little bit and my friends get into a good position to watch and giggle. I approach the counter where a 20something black lady stands at the register. I walk up to the counter, drop my board shorts and ask for an application. You read that right. I walked up to a cash register of a convenience store naked and asked for an application. The cashier doesn't find this as amusing as my friends and I do so I decide it'd be a good time to leave. I walk out of the store after pulling my pants up as my friends burst out into uncontrollable laughter.

I'm not finished. I decide that, that just wasn't good enough. There wasn't enough rush. I spot a BK next door... guess who my next victim is? We walk across the parking lot and as we get closer I decide that it must be closed being that it is nearly 2am. My friends call me a pussy and tell me that I'm afraid. In my state of mind this sounds like a reasonable argument although I did just pull this same stunt not 2 minutes earlier. I tell them that they're faggots and pull my shorts back down and start making my way for the door. I walk into the dining room and get about halfway to the counter when I realize that no one is standing at the register to witness my act. I immediately start jumping up and down, knocking chairs over, screaming, and yelling to get someones attention. After about a minute or two of this goes on, a long haired, rocker type kid looks around the corner to see whats going on and SURPRISE its a naked man.

He gives me a "I-don't-know-what-to-fucking-do" look for what seemed like eternity then turned around and grabbed an arm full of burgers and began THROWING them at me. When I say this I don't mean it as in "DUDE I CANT BELIEVE YOU, YOU'RE THE MAN HAVE SOME FREE FOOD!" kind of throw... these were fucking 2 finger fastballs of meaty goodness FLYING at me. I find this completely hilarious and decide that enough is enough and leave.

We start our 100 yard hike back to this girls house all of us nearly in tears after witnessing what just happened. It was completely unbelievable and I never could have expected it to happen that way. So here we are, 5 drunk kids, stumbling down a side street on our way back home. Tondreau is walking in front of me, backwards, talking to me and gets a weird look on his face. I've seen this look before and it usually has something to do with something very bad. He throws me in to a bush and yells "STAY THERE!" I don't find this funny. I stand back up ready to fight him for throwing me into a bush. Then I realize what the look was about... I was damn sure I wasn't at a disco when I stood up so I turn around to investigate what all this light was about and see two police cruisers making their way rapidly up the street.

I still don't find this funny. I run after my friends into a backyard and come up to one of those fucking 8' tall brick wall type fences... I'm even less amused. I decide that there is no way I'm making it over this wall in the state that I'm in and turn around and walk back to the police cars. I make my way down the driveway back towards the street and instead of being warmly greeted, I'm yelled at over a bullhorn... It went something like this; "GET ON YOUR FUCKING KNEES!" "LAY FACE DOWN ON THE GROUND" "PUT YOUR HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD!"

What. The. Fuck.

I'm a drunk naked guy, not a fucking gun wielding, store robbing, scum of the earth fuck head. So here I am, laying face down on the ground with my fingers interlaced behind my head. I decide that this is the least fun I'm having tonight. A split second later I feel the knee of a cop pressed into my spine and my hands ripped away from my head and placed in handcuffs. I'm not a big fan of handcuffs, and this was not the first time I'd been in them. The cop stands me up and walks me to the car and I sit in it in a way that wont cause me to tighten my cuffs against the back of the seat. On the way to the police station both arresting officers are mercilessly cracking jokes at my expense. I'm at my low for the night.

We get to the police station and I go through the usual mug shots and finger printing. By this time both of my friends were arrested and handcuffed to a bench about 10 feet away from me laughing. Fuck them, they got arrested too. I ask what I'm going to do about a shirt and socks because there was no way in hell I was going to allow them to put me in one of those filthy fucking cells without either. The cop says 'alright no problem' and walks towards a set of lockers against the wall to the right of the desk they have and pulls out the textbook black and white striped shirt made of denim... at this point I find humor in the night again. I put on my jail bird shirt and ask about my lack of shoes... He opens another locker and pulls out was seriously looked like blue keebler elf slippers made out of some kind of paper. I lose it. So at this point I'm cracking jokes about nearly everything that's going on. Even the cops find this funny and conclude I'm not such a bad guy. This alone may have saved my ass in the long run.

I wake up in the morning and take a fucking MONSTER shit in my sink/toilet combination. I am proud. I sit around in my cell for a few hours eating my danish and drinking my juice box... which by the way is fucking delicious for jail food. At around 9am some detective comes to my cell and says he'd like to talk about what went on. I see no problem in this... He leads me to an interrogation room type thing and sits me down and explains to me what I'm being charged with. The list was pretty long and included 2 felony charges and a criminal sexual misconduct charge which would have put me on the Michigan Sex Offender Registry. Not that I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher or anything... but how bad would that suck?

After talking to the detective for some time and reading through the police report he also decides that I'm not really that bad of a guy and agrees to drop SEVERAL charges and drop the sexual misconduct down to a simple disorderly person, which is only a misdemeanor. He sends me back to my cell and tells me that I have to wait for paperwork to go through to be released, I am pleased. Usually I've ended up staying the entire weekend in jail but I was actually getting released after only staying the night. Awesome.

11am rolls around and a cop opens my cell door tells me to pick up my stuff and flush the toilet... I laugh because I've tried already... and that monster shit isn't having anything to do with it. If you don't know what a jail toilet is like... imagine your house toilet made out of stainless steel and then super charge the flushing power... Its basically a jet engine in a metal bowl. This shit was epic... I tried 3 times to flush this thing while the cop waited for me at the cell door... He finally shook his head and said "Fucking dammit... lets go..." I am the man. He walks me out the back door and basically says see ya later... So I'm right back where I started, half naked and walking. I call my buddy Roach to pick me up... He apparently found the scene of me standing in front of a police station in only shorts quite funny because he was laughing as he pulled in.

Months, and several court proceedings later I'm finally in sentencing. Dooms Day. I HATE court. Especially when my freedom is on the line. After a few minutes in front of the judge and watching him smirk once or twice while reading the police report I'm sentenced to a maximum of 45 days jail time, 1 year probation with 1.5 years overhead, and 650 dollars in court costs, on top of the $2,000 I owe my lawyer. The only good thing about this is, I don't have to go to jail until June because I'm still in school.

All-in-all I don't think its too bad after having such a long prior record and for what I did. Oh yeah. About the girl.. The day I was released from jail I went by her house to pick up my stuff... All my things were there, my clothes, shoes, phone... all that jazz. I knock on her door and I ask if shes still got my stuff she says yeah and lets me in and runs up stairs to grab it all. She comes back down with my phone in her hand and starts asking me about people I've got in my phone book. She gets to an ex that I have in my phone who I was and still am friends with and asks who it is... the conversation went something like this.... Doug "Its an ex of mine who I'm still really good friends with." Girl"An ex? what the fuck I thought we had something going." Doug "Uhm... We've only known each other for 2 weeks." Girl"So what that's all you've got to say about this? I'm not going to waste my time on some guy who's still talking to his ex." Doug"Well... I don't think we should talk anymore... so I'll... probably not be talking to you later."

I take my stuff and walk back to the car and leave... She used to try to call me, text me, message me on myspace, IM me... the whole 9 yards... I ended up blocking her and changing my screen name because of it. I haven't heard from her since. More stories can be found at DougIsDrunk.com Sorry for the lack of paragraphic my text editor must have stolen them.