I meet this bangin’ 21 year old, blonde, personal trainer, call her Michelle, at a wedding up in the Northeast.  We sit acorss from each other at dinner, with her other sisters, and some of my siblings, and a few strangers.  She's got that hot-girl, better-than-you attitude kicking, and I spent the meal teasing her about anything at all, so I could keep things respectful.  I was just in town for the weekend, and gave my chances of laying her, somewhere between slim and none…as I had alreeady defeated myself, you bet, no deal.

Fast forward 5 years and our mutual acquaintances, who just think we were meant for each other (huh?), tell me Michelle is single.  Just to see how she is doing…because she lives in fucking Connecticut, I decide to give her a call. I am hoping I might convince her to come and visit, but instead we become friends over the phone (I know this sounds gay); I am living in the middle of BFE and this is about the most exciting shit I have done in over a month.  I am a loser for even dialing her number. As a year passed, we never exchanged pictures of what either of us looked like, because I don't think either thought we would ever meet.

So one day, she mentions that she is ready to go on vacation by herself. She tells me we NEEEEED to go to Cancun.  I'll reiterate, I live in a hick town, and this may have promise.  The nice thing about the offer, we are each paying our Own way. From my memories this girl is HOT! And, somehow, I had never been to Cancun. I’m definitely in.

I let her make the arrangements so she doesn't blow my cover- I'm a PIG.  Since we have only hung out once in person, I am thinking she is going for the double beds- whatever she decied, we both start joking in our conversations with each other, what happens in Mexico, stays in Mexico, hahahahahahaha....

She makes a point to fly through Miami, so we can roll out of the plane together in Mexico.  When I see her in the airport, she isn’t the 105lb trainer she was, but with her apparently active lifestyle, and a wonderful tit doctor, she is still an 8 in my book (using a Sober Scale).  Not bad man, this is going to be a nice little trip (I think.)

As we get to the resort it starts…what is it? The bullshit…the whining, complaining, blah, blah, blah. Our cocktails from the plane have all but worn off, and she is now acting like we have been married for 20 years. She is under the premise I might actually put up with this shit for a week. She starts with shit like “(Ex-boyfriend’s name here)… use to always take care of this & that when we were down here”….are you fucking kidding me?  This girl is waaaaaaay out of line! Shut up, shut up, she just needs time to unwind and alot more alcohol.

We get to eat and drink as much as we want for free at the hotel (all inclusive), so I decide to let most of her comments fly for about a day and half. She makes her general unhappiness of her life apparent, and I am starting to think I need some time alone, before I stab a bitch.  I KNOW I am not getting laid, so I decide to do some scuba diving for a few days.  I am happy once again that I made the trip. After spending the morning cave diving, I come back to the hotel with a new attitude on the 2nd day ALONE.

She informs me (in an effort to create jealousy) that she met “people”, down by the pool, and they are coming out with us tonight to the club.  Coco Bongo (the club), was one of the places she was gizzing about in our conversations before we came down. So these “guys” that she met down at the pool, are just so nice and cool, and great and so on…I can't wait!

We meet our new friend at the hotel bar (not sure what happened to the other "people").  Unexpectedly, our new friend Mike, is laid back, we hit it off well, and we are off to the club. Michelle (my little cunt-sickle), is just not happy that I have started to make lemonade out of the lemons she has picked up at the pool.  I keep my composure, and try to help my new buddy make a love connection with Michelle... Mike can tell I am trying to help him, and it makes us all the more friends as the trip goes on.

The shot gals, at Coco Bongo, are local hotties that have the most irresistible accents, and shortest skirts you have ever seen.  As they come by, I try to push them off by telling them I’m poor, cheap, and will probably stick to the free wells at the bar we have already paid for with admission.  The two that I start my stupid lines with think the poor American bit, is a pretty funny American bit, so I get some free shots. Michelle is watching me put on this little act with complete disgust. I flirt with these two shot-girls while Mike tries even harder to make slow progress with a now very drunk (AND ANGRY) Michelle.  Mike and I are taking turns ordering shots, and Michelle is just getting more pissed as the place gets crowded.  I have found the point of No-I-Dont-Give-A-Fuck, and Michelle starts talking about her ex-boyfriend bullshit again.  I easily ignore her, and move attention back to the shot-girls.

I must either be drunk or lucky, maybe both that night, but I am really working these two girls well. Picture: very crowded club, lots of lights and a live trapeze show that has people swinging over the bar in costumes with music (this is the Coco Bongo experience), shot girls dancing twice and hour, and the crowd just getting rowdy drunk.  As one shot girl is leaving me, within minutes, the other is back. I am working both of these girls in tandem, as they make their crowded rounds.  Mike is watching me, and is entertained by my antics, and between visits, I try to get Michelle to ease up on him, and enjoy herself a little- fucking cunt (this word should only be used in extreme situations). Mike has uncanny resilience to her complaints, and I commend him mentally for taking her off my hands. I try to arrange for the bathroom guy to get me some coke, but leave the club only with one girl’s number, and a promise to hang out the next night…I am stinkin’ drunk. Bad hangover I think.

The next day, Michelle and I wake up, with tensions flaring, and she teases me over a late breakfast, that the girl gave me a fake number. She tells me that I got worked for bigger tips, and that “that’s what I get for trying to pick up shot-girls”. I laugh at her insults, and try to wager with her whether I actually have a valid number before making the call. She won’t take the bet.  I relish the thought of making her jealous, and decide to call up my new friend for dinner.

I phone my new friend, Janira, and she is pleasant and happy to join me for dinner. I cancel my pre-scheduled dinner with Michelle-last minute, and tell her my new friend, "Janira, will be taking me out". We dine at a Thai restarant, and yes, Mexico knows Thai very well Jack! Our waitress walks us up a 3/4 flight of stairs, up to a private tiki-house like loft, where there is a large bed with a bunch of pillows and a big TV tray to enjoy your meal. This is a great atmosphere, we have our little private lounge…in the middle of the restaurant, above the other tables, out of sight….Our loft offers plenty of privacy for our make-out sessions, between the waitress bringing us drinks and our courses of great food. After about 10 mojitos/a piece and as much Mexican Thai food as 2 stomachs can hold, it has been almost 4 hours, and I suggest a walk on the beach (how romantic, hahaha).

We cab it back to the hotel, and walk through the pool areas in the rear of the resort down to the beach. I have heard enough stories about walking alone or in desolate places of Mexico, so this is certainly not my first choice, but going in the room right now with Michelle there, seems like a really bad idea. Despite a little drunkedness.

We walk down the beach in front of the neighboring resort where we find some lounge chairs stacked up near the seawall. I am using my quick military tactics to size up this spot…I figure at least no one can sneak up on one side of our little hideaway. The beach is deserted, and the moment makes me think I am one lucky bastard to be holding hands with such a hot girl. We start by taking off most of our clothes as we walk up to the stack of chairs, and a few minutes pass when the hair on the back of my neck stands up. There is someone near us I think. I stop kissing her for a second, and look down the beach in both directions, the coast seems clear. We are both completely turned on, and so I start poking around in the dark, naked, to find my wallet (condom). I’m now standing with my toes in the sand, buck naked, and she’s laying down on the stack of lounge chairs. I can’t tell you how close I must have been to climaxing almost as soon as we started. I think I was really turned on, but also very nervous, given the location….Something seems wrong here. I turn around, and about 20 feet away, 3 locals are making their way down the beach unstacking beach chairs. This is not a good situation for the gringo. The white boy is fucking one of “their girls”, this should be interesting. I rattle off immediately, “uno momento, senores, por favor”, they ignore me and just kind of watch me try to cover up my girl with my bare white ass. I decide to walk out to where we left our clothes (spread out in a 10’ radius), and grab enough clothes so we can get the hell off this beach. This situation could be a lot worse if I am naked I am now thinking. They must not value privacy down south, as they continued to un-stack chairs all around us. So we throw on clothes, enough to walk away, and head back towards the hotel without incident.

What a thrill to get caught, and we are both laughing about the whole thing, as we head towards the hotel. I try to reassure her as we walk through the lobby, carrying shoes, boxers, bras, and half clothed, me without my shirt wearing jeans.  Janira is a little nervous to be entering the hotel room of my crazy travel mate, who I have now deemed “my cousin”. She is saying things so cute, like “ohh Ron, I don’t know, your cousin is so crazy” in her sweet accent. I tell her, no worries, we will hang out on the balcony and have our own privacy. She says she will follow me wherever I go- wow, I love Mexico!

As we sneak through the room, it is 3am or later, and my "cousin" is wide awake, watching TV with the lights off. She makes a comment I can’t remember, and we ignore her bullshit as we pass. We step through the dark room, I say nothing, and make camp on the balcony. The waves are crashing, the breeze is cool, and we set up a spot on one of the built in benches.  It takes all of 5 seconds for us to pick things back up, and I am fucking this girl so hard she is screaming “Aye Poppi” like you have never heard. I could die right now a happy man, I have always dreamed of hearing those words by a latin hottie, and the day had come. We are so fucking loud, and the alcohol has mainly warn off, and this is now as much fun as you can have in a foreign country- I'm not even paying for this shit! We are safe from peeping chair-guys, and free from being able to get arrested and this is the Mexico I love. Her accent was so sweet, I will never forget that session.  By now we have been outside for hours- literally 8 hours, from when we started our dinner, and I needed some AC.

I thought it a little rude of me, after inviting her back to our room, that Michelle would have to listen to us all night if Janira stayed over, but fuck it. I decide to take my date to the bathroom, right next to Michelle's bed, sorry :( , and still be able to get indoors in some  AIRCONDITIONING. Janira was a little nervous, but after that balcony performance (it had to be one my better), she would have killed Michelle for me, if I asked.  I sat on a marble seat/shelf at the head of the tub/shower, and she sat reverse cowgirl on top of my lap for our last show of the night. This girl was biting her lip (to in efforts to stay more quiet) and going to town, working her hot little 110 lb body, as we enjoyed the shower. We both wanted to be quiet, but in the moments that followed, we lost control again, and made a lot of fuckin noise as she came; I was too tired to get off again, but by then I had busted 2 nuts (all on the balcony), and I was feeling happy to be alive. Michelle would be very pissed tomorrow- fuck her. I escorted my little hottie down to the lobby for an early morning cab.

For the remainder of my trip, my new friend took me sightseeing, we toured the non-tourist part of Cancun, and I really had it made with my new guide. We dined at cheap, but great places, and if it wasn’t so hard to get a Mexican back into the country legally, I might have made her my wife.  Michelle, for fear of abandonment, hung around Mike at  the resort. I used the word CUNT earlier to describe her behavior, but she had not yet completely deserved that term.  In our brief remaining time (Michelle and I's), she did nothing but talk shit about Mike.  Not that I knew the guy that well, but I couldn't help feel disgust for the way she went on about it.  I was caught up with my "shot-girl", and don't think I would have let her blow me if she begged (well, that's not true).

But, all good things must come to an end, so as the trip ended, Jaira and I decided to keep in touch by email…and maybe someday, when I am back in Cancun, we’ll get together again. As for Michelle, on our flight back home through Miami, she had an unfortunate layover for 15 hours in the Miami airport. Despite her stupid attitude, I really wouldn't have wished such a ruthlesss layover on anyone;  but since I didn't really order the layover, I was just a little happy as I drove home that night. 

The Moral of the Story.  Stay away from the hookers in Mexico, don’t bring sand to the beach (ie. Michelle), and never let bad circumstances cause a bad time.  I don't recommend using my tactics if you are visiting another country with your actual girlfriend/wife;  but if you should find yourself in such a place, what would you do?