Fish can get you laid, I swear.  I bought a 55 gallon fish tank with some money I made over the summer to give my college apartment an "aire" of luxury.  When I got it home, I came up with the grand idea to put the tank at the head of my bed, as opposed to the living room where my roommates could enjoy the benefits of my new purchase (I know I'm a selfish prick). I have always enjoyed fish, as an avid “snorkeler”, but to be honest, I think it was my shitty attempt at getting laid by luring mono-syllabic girls into my bedroom.

Our story begins with my roommates and I, hosting our traditional, weekly keg party.  We have a mixture of our normal crew, maybe 30 or so guys and gals, and a nice runoff of new prospects (the friends of friends), one of which I had the unfortunate luck of sexing during the party.

The setup, which hadn’t been rehearsed went something like this….I am casually bull-shitting with this new friend, Christy, who was kind of tall, medium build, and no tits. I think she was the ugliest girl at the party who wasn't an acquintance.  Her face made you want to drink a few more shots of bad liquor, but after a 3 month dry spell- I decided to give it hell.  So as I am talking to this new lady, my faithful roommate decides to drop my fish tank line for me, saying “hey, has Christy seen your fish tank?”  Not expecting the comment, I quickly retorted into, “Oh, its really kind of boring, I just got it, and I don’t have a lot of fish in there yet”- type of reply. So my buddy, lays it on a little thicker, telling her I am just being shy about my obviously beautiful setup. I am so stupid, I don't even realize that this game of lightly denying the grandeor of the tank, is actually causing this ostrich of a woman, to become curious.

So fuck it, I decide to show her the tank.  I walk her down the long hall to my room, and sure enough, for a college room, that tank in the dark all lit up, looks like a shiny Bentley to the Christy's of the world. Immediately, she sits on the bed to get a closer look- I think to find the fish; I could only afford to keep about 3 or 4 in the tank with my current financial status.  She starts asking me what their names are...Names? Is she fucking kidding? I never even thought about naming these stupid things, they have been dieing so quickly, because I couldn’t get the chemicals right since I bought the tank- I didn’t even know exactly, how many fish were in there.

So I start making up silly, stupid names that will show her what a sensitive asshole I am. There’s Player, Horny, and Suck-me, way over there in the corner. Just kidding- the names I used were more like Fishy, Stupid, and Never-get laid- he's the one that got sucked up into the filter. The main case I make to you, the names I came up with were so bad (for the cause of getting laid and showing confidence), I felt like even a girl that felt sorry for me, and as ugly as Christy was, probably wouldn't be staying much longer in my room...but I was wrong.

So one thing leads to another, I shut the door, and before you know it, I’m waking up naked, next to a girl I would rather have drowned in the tank,  than have fucked mid-party.  The next morning, she is ready to pounce on some cock- which is normally a nice one night stand bonus, but mind you, this chick has a face only a blind mother could love. She is pushing a 4 by most of my buds’ standards, wow does it show in the light of day!  She is riding on top, and I am pretending I can't smell her wonderful morning breathe. After our romp, I felt like I had really done something wrong,  I threw my sheets into the laundry to rid the room of her smell.  I was very happy that she had driven her own car the night before, and she was gone before my hungover roomates could wake up and get another look at her.

I swear I would rather have a hangover, than a lay like that again.  From the whole sordid affair, I learned how to take my fish tank game to a new level, and I did get laid at least 3 more times that year from my new, situational prop, the others were better than Christy, but not by much.

Let's get to the lesson. You too can turn those leftover party gals, into coyote ugly closings- just by spending a small fortune on a fish tank for your headboard. Think about it.