...Orlando Can be Fun

Let me tell you about my weekend in O-town ( Orlando ).

Arrived Friday with my brother and we met my friend "Keri" from high school. She took us to downtown O-town and got us fucked up...tequila shots, etc. We were out until the bars closed then we passed out. Details are hard to remember...but my friend Keri did kiss me (kind of like the thing where your old friend kisses you and you laugh the whole time, like an awkward spin the bottle kiss).

Saturday we awoke and rushed to universal on less than 5 hours sleep to meet my dad. We were like 15 minutes late and my dad yelled at my brother and I and basically treated us like we were still children until I told him to go fuck himself. The conversation pretty much went like this: Dad: "Is this a fucking joke to you" Chasing: "What are you talking about, here is your father's day card". Brother: "Hey dad, here are your tickets" Dad: "My fucking tickets are right here". Chasing: "Fuck you" Dad: "Fuck you" Chasing: "Fuck you" Dad: "Fuck you" Brother: "What the fuck just happened?" The skirmish ended with me flicking him off and entering the park with "Keri" and my brother. My brother was speechless which is ironic because he is the loud, angry one...I guess I’m just too old to be pushed around by an obnoxious man who won’t accept apologies and rips up father's day cards without reading them in an immature attempt to be a hurtful prick. So we ended up enjoying both parks very much as "Keri" is employed in the Universal PR department and got us in free and helped us get to the front of some lines.

That afternoon we slept for a few hours then met "Keri's" friend "Jared"...who happened to be gay (foreshadowing). We started drinking early, by 9:00 my friend "Rasta" had shown up from WPB, which was imperative as he would be my ride home because I burned my bridge with my father. Drunk by 10, we went to a keg party filled with old people and children and no liquor. It sucked. At about 10:30 I announced to no one in particular that "drinking + girls = fun". Unfortunately, no suitable candidates were around. We returned to "Keri's" and her friend "Shannon" showed up. The night was slowly turning into an orgy of which I was uninvolved when we decided to walk to some hole-in-the-wall bar. By this time, "Rasta" was kissing " Shannon ", "Jared" was trying to ride My brother, and "Keri" was professing her long time love for me. *Note - It was at this time that my brother decided I was too mellow and that I needed an adderoll slipped into my drink. We were asked to leave the bar 15 minutes after its closing and we went back to "Keri's" where we went for a 3am swim. At this point, "Jared" was actively and openly trying to turn my brother gay. He even told his friend "Shannon" to stay away from my brother so he could hit on him. It was at this time that my brother confessed he had drugged me and tried to tell me how much of a philanthropist he was for doing it. I resisted the urge to break his face and blew it off, planning to deal with him Sunday. Luckily I felt little effect, probably because my brother didn’t dissolve the pill well and when I was drinking my beverage earlier, I had noticed some pink solid floating in it and put it down. In other news, "Rasta" and "Keri" had decided that I would be more interested in Keri if I became jealous..so they decided to make out in the pool...the ruse did not work, but it would eventually hurt "Rasta's" chances with " Shannon ". On the other side of the pool, "Jared" continued to try to convert my brother by telling him how sexy he was and how he could dominate. My brother actually looked "Jared" in the eye and with a straight face told "Jared" "If we are going to hook-up, I am going to need a total commitment" I laughed for a good 5 minutes.

Shortly, "Rasta" and my brother realized: 1) it was 3:30am, 2) they were trashed, 3) they were single, 4) there were only 2 girls (and one gay male) hanging out and one of them was trying to bone me. So, they both began pursuing "Shannon", much to "Jared's" dismay, and he began telling " Shannon " that she was "ruining his life". This scene began to disgust me and I decided to go into bed..."Keri" decided to join me. We got in bed and spooned as all long term friends should and tried to sleep (and I’m not kidding we were trying to sleep), when "Shannon" came in and began to stroke my head ("Keri" had gone to the bathroom). She then told me she loved shaved heads (God I’m a pimp) and I asked if she liked the attention she was getting from the boys at the pool. She claimed she didn’t notice my brother was hitting on her and that she wasn't into "Rasta" because he made out with "Keri" after her. Exit "Shannon" who left for some booty call. So, its after 4am and still no one has hooked up...but everyone is on the verge..except me, cause I’m an angel. (See where this is going).... So "Keri" returns to the bed when I suddenly realize " Shannon " has gone, and "Rasta", my brother and "Jared" are all horny and missing. I began to freak out and I got up to look for my brother. Then I turned the corner to see my brother and "Jared" embracing. I almost threw up! Next I heard my brother say "look "Jared", you’re cool and all, but I just don’t like it in the ass, I could hook you up with my friend Scott". I let out the biggest sigh of relief and then I realized the boys were not kissing they were in fact just saying good night. Thank fucking God! So "Jared" left and I got back in bed with "Keri" to try once again to get some sleep. "Ross" and My brother then decided to climb in the bed with us and eat Hershey’s kisses. It was at this time that My brother began saying some of the funniest things I had ever heard. For instance "I passed the test, I am officially straight" and "I told him I’d set him up with Shawn or my big fratty brother cause I don’t take it in the butt and they do".

In fact he was hysterical the entire weekend and had some other gems like "If I had a house in Orlando and a house in Hell, I’d rent out the house in Orlando and live in hell"....and "On the continuum, Thanksgiving is very irrational". So, after My brother's stand up routine I notice my good friend "Rasta" snuggling up to "Keri's" ass in the same bed I was in. I quickly moved to the couch and My brother went and slept on the love seat. "Rasta" and "Keri" are officially whores. My brother spent the next hour making fun of their sucking noises and I passed out. Next day: the fallout "Rasta" and "Keri" had hooked up "Jared" had gone and boned an ex-boyfriend "Shannon " had boned a booty call and my brother and I kept our chastity alive and slept on the couches

Afterwards, "Rasta" left to play with his band, " Shannon " returned and we began drinking mimosas by the pool. It was then that I learned how much: 1) Jared really liked my brother, 2) that Shannon liked my brother, 3) Ross and Keri were sluts and she actually hooked up with him because my brother had been telling her it would make me jealous (plan backfired) and she is very horny. All-in-all, it was a good weekend.

Conclusions: 1) My dad is a prick now 2) My brother is funnier than any of us ever knew and my friends all loved him and want to see more of him. 3) My brother and I are handsome pimps. 4) Both boys and girls are total sluts. 5) Orlando can be fun. 6) Alcohol makes people horny. 7) Trying to make boys jealous by hooking up with friends, just gives them one more excuse never to hook up with you. ...and most importanly 8) "Rasta" has no problem jumping on grenades (not that Keri is a grenade) or rejects as long as they give great head and have nice tits. (Sorry "Rasta", its true).