The night was…moist. I worked my way to the Ybor strip by way of a buddy’s barbecue and met several friends out….skip ahead 3 hours and 6 jack and cokes to 1AM.

I am out with a strange mixture of friends many of whom have never before met. I am busy running my mouth about the quality of my game. As I continue to brag, I make my buddies an offer. Pick any girl in the bar and I will pick her up for you.

I am confident in my abilities…so when two of my buddies suggest that I approach a leggy 6’1” blonde in short shorts…I laugh and eagerly approach. I insist that my buddy Gary follows me so that I can set him up with her… Me to blonde – “Wow, you’re fucking tall!” Blonde to Me – “Duh, are you sure, I’ve never heard that before” Me (under my breath) – “Nice one bitch, it won’t happen again” I continued to work the body after the minor setback that was her insult…and set myself up for the head shot. Following her lead, I insult her also… Me – “Could your shorts be any shorter? Who dresses you? are you even old enough to be in here? Blonde – “Yeah I’m old enough” Me: “Let’s see some I.D.” – (I know these lines were terrible)

Long story short, she gives me her ID and I ask the three closest people if it seems real to them…and even ask the resident bartender. She was legit…but she looked like a child. At this point, I actually had her interest. So, I introduced her to my buddy Gary and after some brief teasing about how knotted her hair was (and it wasn’t), I made my escape… Me: - “Sorry guys, I gotta piss…”

I don’t even listen for a response, I just pretend to book for bathroom, leaving Gary and the girl. I circle the bar and when I get back Gary has beaten me back to the crew. As soon as I left, the girl apparently turned her back to Gary. At least some of us can keep a girl’s attention. But, it was no big loss because the girl’s eyes were too close together anyway.

Attempt #2: There is only one truly hot girl left in the bar. But she is hot only in a ghetto way…like a hoodrat with a hot face. My buddies insist I talk to her. I am pretty wasted at this point and the most clever line I can muster is “Hey you got the time?” The girl stops dancing and gives me the time, I actually think this line could have worked for me but again I turned her over to Gary and he fucked it up. She wasn’t hot enough to settle for at that point in the night anyway.

Attempt #3 : Another buddy named Chris suggests I go hit on a big bootied Latin chica. I have nothing to lose and feel like I could make a nice introduction for Chris. This girl took no effort at all to meet…I tapped her shoulder and she instantly turned around, smiled, put my arm around her and proceeded to grind on my cock. I tried many times to get Chris to come over…blatantly waving and calling out to him to come over. The Latin girl’s friends thought I was an ass… Chris pussed out and wouldn’t even come over for the girl he had me holler at for him. Eventually I just ripped myself away and we left that bar. I hit on three girls in 20 minutes and was doing fine with all 3 until my goofy buddies ruined it for themselves.

Guys have to be able to parlay an introduction…I mean I am the most generous wingman of all time and these kids kept ignoring my generosity. We went to another bar and bumped into 2 girls I had met out about a month earlier…traveling nurses. These girls were obviously D.T.F. (Down to fuck) for those of you out of the loop. I use my knowledge of these two girls’ careers to reintroduce myself and my four remaining buddies… I am thinking I have finally done hooked these kids up… Dan and Chris have the chubby blonde surrounded…and Gary and Jason are around the cute brunette with the tiniest boobies I have ever seen. I go upstairs to a different room to look for real talent.

A half hour later, Dan is escorted upstairs by the two girls…apparently Gary, Jason, and Chris pulled the “We’re getting out of here” line but didn’t realize that line is only good for one on one situations…not a four dudes to two chicks ratio….no girls are going to walk into gang rape…I mean come on guys…a little common sense…

So now it’s the four of us…me, Dan, and two girls I have no desire to fuck. Apparently Dan, a very good looking guy was into the fattie….because he kept telling me that he wanted to, “fuck forty pounds off of her” and that he “wasn’t going to let her swallow for her own good”. I decide I need to get away from the situation and announce that I am leaving. The brunette grabs my arm and asks for a ride home. I hesitantly agree to take her home but inform her “Look, I am not interested in fucking you”. She mentions that she has no desire to fuck me because she has a boyfriend back home but that she just wants to “Look at me because I am so sexy” It’s true, I am probably the best looking man this girl ever saw…but come on chick have some self-respect.

I take her home and she insists I come in for some water. I can’t argue this because its 5AM and I have been drinking since 7PM the night before and I have a long drive ahead. I sit on the couch with the girl for 30 minutes sipping water…Dan suddenly arrives with the other nurse (the nurses were roommates). Dan and Nurse Fattie get in bathing suits and head to the hot tub. It was then that I realized how fat the blonde he was trying to fuck was…I will never let him live it down. I decide its time for me to leave and I excuse myself.

The brunette stops me to show me a picture of her boyfriend…what a slut… Then as I am about to exit…I hear the magic words… “don’t leave yet, I want to get fucked.” Despite the fact that this girl had a boyfriend back home, was not as hot as my normal lays, and I was exhausted…she uttered words I was too drunk to resist. I walked into her room, closed the door behind us…and took my pants off. She blew me for a good ten minutes before I asked for a condom. She opened her drawer and this little whore from the Midwest with a boyfriend….revealed boxes and boxes of condoms and sex toys.

I wrapped my tool and put the wood to her real hard for a good 30 minutes until I blew my load. At one point she was using a giant orange vibrator with sharp bristles on her clit while I railed her from behind. During the fucking I tried a new position…my hand around her throat…that’s right I was actually semi-choking this girl…not because I am a sadist but because the strange moaning sound she was making and her constant desire to try to lean up to kiss me were making me nauseas.

After I blew my load, I ripped off the condom…flushed it so that my DNA was nowhere to be found…and began dressing immediately. This is when the girl begged me to sleep the night next to her. I couldn’t stand to look at her or smell her cock and booze breath anymore and insisted on leaving. She actually grabbed my khakis and wouldn’t let go… I laid next to her and pretended I was going to sleep while I stroked her zit-covered back. Use moisturizer ladies… As soon as her muscles relaxed (about 2 minutes later), I hopped up, darted out of the room, locking her in behind me, ran out the front door, down the stairs and to my car and flew out of the neighborhood and home to shower her skeeze off of me.

I sent Dan a text message begging him not to give the fat blonde or her brunette friend my number. Thank God he didn’t… By the way, though it’s true I fucked a crazy chick without titties…at least she wasn’t fat. Dan swears he didn’t fuck the fattie…but I received a phone call from him at 11AM the next day…on his way home from their house. My bet is that he tried to “fuck 40 pounds off of her”…and when he woke up the next morning and realized it doesn’t work that way, decided to lie to try to protect his rep… Hey Dan, everybody fucks a fattie now and again…except me…it’s all good man. You will meet plenty of hotties when you get back to Gainesville…